Itsy Bitsy midnight run
by CrazyGirlMe
Summary: Scout finds a Spider in his room, not far from where his head was moments before. This is the tale of events that unfold afterwards. Rated M for language and adult references.


**As per normal, house rules apply thus not mine, don't sue ect ect.**

_**A little something I put together, inspired by the lovely little Red Back Spider I found in the boot of my car, lucky for me Dad was there or I would not have remained so calm lol.**_

_**Quick note to remember when reading this – my style of drawing is cartoon, meaning that no matter what, it is possible to pull out anything from behind oneself, no matter the size, shape or weight : D**_

_**And a big awesome shout out to my beta GothicCheshire for being awesome.**_

_**R&R.**_

**Itsy Bitsy midnight run...im just glad it's only one.**

Scout fell down upon the bed in utter relief. He needed that; he needed that so bloody badly. Sure he enjoyed what he did for a living, it was more like a game then a job, but boy did it have its downsides. One of them being the lack of female companionship, for Scout it was probably the only downside. Being stranded in the middle of nowhere with countless other men and a couple of unknown's wasn't fixing that problem any time soon.

The runner let out another moan as his body slowly calmed down once more. _'Damn, that was good. Best one yet, I'll have to use that again!'_ He laid there for a few minutes before even being able to muster up the energy to open his eyes, however when he did, he was sorry.

For somewhere in the past hour from when he entered his room till now a big, hairy, ugly, giant spider had crawled down the wall, content to just relax mere inches from where his head was when he was sitting up doing his thing. The runner's mouth went on auto pilot; spitting out very naughty words aimed at the beast on the wall...the very same beast that was on his favourite baseball poster! He bolted from the bed, grabbing the same pair of briefs he had tossed aside earlier and charged out the door while at the same time putting them on. Never had he moved so damn fast.

Paying more attention to pulling up his briefs while he managed to open and charge out the door, he failed to see Spy casually walking by. Luckily for them the wall saved the pair from becoming a tangled mess of limbs on the floor.

"Merde! Boy watch what you're doing, you got water on my Pyjamas," Spy cursed as he shoved the boy back with his free hand while the other worked to steady what was left of the said glass of water.

A few more curses left Scout's mouth as he regained his balance, making sure all the right bits were tucked inside his briefs before replying. "Don't know what you're complaining for Frenchie, you're half naked already, it's just friggin water! I got a more pressing problem then friggin 'water on my PJ's, seriously man."

Spy raised his brow at the mocking boy, while wiping water of his bare chest. The sassy Frenchman was only wearing his Pyjama pants and balaclava. "Ha! I don't know what could be more pressing then this coming from you, especially in your briefs. Did you lose your sorry excuse for manhood in the vacuum again?"

"PSH! Keep dreaming! You only wish yours was as big as mine. Na this is worse than that man. That has nothing on this!"

Spy couldn't help but burst out laughing at the boy, only calming down when he had to hold his sides. Wiping tears from his eyes. "If only you knew boy. From what I'm told by my many lovers...something you oh so badly lack...it can easily rival that Eyelander sword our drunken friend carries to battle some days. But please, enlighten me. What is this big problem you seem to have?"

Scout gave Spy the 'if looks could kill' look, he didn't have to time to bother arguing with the slimly frog. "A friggin giant spider tried to rape me is my problem! I was like sitting on my bed and was...meditating, yeh meditating, next thing I look up and it's there eyeing me!"

Spy eyed the boy before looking into the mess that Scout called his room. "You were meditating...In your underwear? I find that extremely hard to belief, especially considering your inability to sit still for five seconds, let alone five minutes. My my, it _is_ a big one. Don't tell me you're afraid of it?" Spy returned his gaze to the boy, patting his shoulder with his free hand. "Rest assured, I'm sure the sight of you naked has scarred it for life. I doubt it will rape you."

Scout balled his fists in anger and tried to launch a punch at the mocking Frenchman, failing miserably when Spy easily ducked out the way while cracking up laughing once more.

The runner let out a yell of frustration. He knew he was wasting his time talking to the guy but he tried anyway. "Dude! Stop fucking round. Gimme your Mic so I can call Snipes to kill it. There is no way I'm going back in there for mine. You see the size of that thing!"

Spy sighed, controlling his laughter once more. Reaching behind his back he pulled out his Ambassador and aimed it at the creepy crawly. "Shall I?"

The Runner all but tacked Spy to the ground "NO WAY. That's my favourite poster. The dude doesn't play no more, he was a genius, and he's freaking Superman!..." Scout paused for a moment, a thought hitting him "...Uh please tell me you didn't just pull that out yo ass? Cos that's like disturbing"

Spy looked at Scout with a amused expression "That's for me to know and you to find out"

"Just gimme your..."

"What in tarnation is going on out here?" Engie yelled as he swung open his door angrily, having been rudely awakened from his peaceful slumber.

Spy and Scout looked over to their grumpy teammate, an 'up to no good' grin lining Spy's face. "Scout just seems to be having a 'minor' problem; he's being very problematic about how he wants it dealt with"

"Bull-fuckin'-shit! There is a friggin giant ass spider camping on my favourite poster. This bozo here was gonna shoot it. Yo, give me your earpiece so Snipe's can kill it, like he use ta sleep with em right? He knows how to get rid of it" the boy replied in defence.

Engie sighed, disappearing to retrieve his headset before repapering take a look. "Damn yall' that's a big juicy one, want me to get good ol' Irene to take care o' it? Here ya go boy" he replied as he handed Scout the earpiece.

"Uh thanks...What? NO DAMN IT! What part of 'My favourite poster' don't you thick brained morons don't understand" Scout angrily replied, framing out 'favourite poster' to the air.

Engie's head snapped back to Scout, a death glare. "Now, you wouldn't be saying you don't trust my baby girl would yer now?"

Luckily for himself, Scout knew when to back down, he backed up, arms waving in surrender. "Nah man, I'm just saying that I don't want holes in my poster. It's a rare collectable, you wanna try finding me another one just like it without spending a year's pay check?"

"Yer got a point there boy. Hurry and hail Stretch already, Irene and I need our beauty sleep"

"Yeh yeh" Scout replied as he walked away, flicking to Sniper's channel before placing the headset on, no need to inform rest of the base that he had a spider problem, bad enough the Spy knew.

Engie and Spy shared a look before looking back at the spider; a thought crossed the mechanic's mind. "Think you can hit it with that knife o' yours from here?"

The masked man smirked; reaching back he pulled out his trusty Bailsong, flicking it open before lining it up as if he was going to take a shot. "That is no challenge by far. The thought did cross my mind; however our virgin friend here wouldn't be very impressed with a mark, let alone spider guts on that poster of his"

"Yeh I though so. Anything you can't do, partner?"

"I can't picture Scout meditating as he stated he was doing. That is...very hard" Spy laughed as he flicked shut the knife and placed it back from where he pulled it out.

"You wouldn't be the only one there" Engi chuckled in response before realising where Spy had pulled the Bailsong from "...Uh you're not walking round base in your Pyjamas with your weaponry on yer backside are yer?"

Spy's grin widened as he patted Engi's shoulder "Best leave that your imagination my friend, I am a Spy after all, you really don't need to know"

"I hear ya there" it was best to not interfere in a Spy's business.

The sound of Scout yapping away stoped any further conversation from continuing.

"...Yooooo Snniiippppeeee's...Wake up man...C'mon man quit manhandling yer junk for five minutes and answer me...Need Sniper here, need Sniper here, need Sniper here... Allright bout frigging time man...yeh and I was bout to get some, hey I need your help Wombat...and you call me names so I don't see what the problem is...so drag your sorry ass out'a bed and come work your magic with the friggin big spider that's in my room...why? You gotta be kidding me man, yer a Bushman right? Doesn't that mean something?...fuck you man, c'mon get over here now...allright how bout you get rid of da spider and I'll stop using your head at target practice for a week...what...two weeks?...alright a month and I'll stop batting balls against your caravan. It's the best I'll do...see that wasn't so hard was it? Hurry up man..."

"You do know annoying the Bushman will not help your case much. Not wise to 'piss off' our Australian friend" Spy added playfully when Scout walked back, chucking Engie his headset back.

"No shit, I just woke him up. I don't care as long as that spider is out my room. Naturally yo'll piss him off when you try to rape him"

Spy wacked Scout over the back of the head. "Don't let the Bushman hear you say that unless you fancy sleeping with various poisonous creatures"

Scout was about to bite back till the sound of horrible drunken singing filled the corridors. _'Great, now there is a drunken guy who plays with explosives coming to stick his nose in'_

"Itsy bitsy spiiddeeer climbed the water spoooutt, doooown come the raiinnn anndd washed poor Itsy outttt..." Demoman sang, only stopping when he came to where Scout, Spy and Engie were gathered just outside the boy's room. "Grreeaaatings boyos" he greeted as continued, looking into the room as he went past. Upon seeing the spider on the wall he stopped and switched to his battle stance, pulling out his trusty Grenade Launcher.

"ITSY! Yer fowl mouthed vile beast yer, yer not gonna eat me tonight! I'm gonna send yer back to hell. Tell Nessie it will take a lot more then you to stop me from hunting 'im down and killing 'im! FREEEEEDOOOM!" He bellowed before lining up to take a shot.

It didn't take a genius to come to the conclusion that shooting a Grenade launcher at a spider in someone's living quarters wasn't the best of ideas. It took the combined strength of Scout, Spy and Engie as well as vocal disagreement to pull the Drunken Scotsman away.

"DUDE!" Scout yelled at the drunken mess.

Demoman, using all his might, struggled to get free while causing his 'restraints' great discomfort. "Yer gotta let me at 'im, he's working for Nessie! If I don't kill 'im he will haunt me' sleep!"

Engie tried to speak reason. "Were working on it, partner. Don't you worry, jus' isn't the best of ideas to remove the guy in such a way, yer hear me?"

"I hear ya allright, I just don't want ta. If we don't kill the mongrel now, he will come back with twice the force and obliterate us in our sleep...then rape our mothers while th..."

Spy pistol whipped the Scotsman, saving them from a never ending discussion. "I'm sure we can agree that this is a suitable course of action. He merely walked into a wall, landing hard upon our ever so 'soft' floor" Spy added as he positioned the unchonious Scot into a sitting position against the wall.

Engie and Scout mumbled in agreement while Spy disappeared into the room next to Engie's.

Scout groaned in frustration moments later. "Fuck, what is taking so dam long for Jarate Boy to get here"

"Boy, give him time, he doesn't live on base with us" Engi answered while yawning.

"Indeed, we are apparently too uncivilised to live with" Spy reappeared from the room, leaning against the doorframe with a cigarette between his lips, reaching up with his trusty lighter to light it.

"Ha uncivilised. Ya know back when I use to get up early and go for a run round base, I ran past him once, naked on the camper's doorstep stretching with a friggin beer in his hand. I swear I heard him pissing afterwards. I don't get up too early ta run no more" Scout retorted.

Engie was about to reply when Soldier rounded the corner behind them, Spy lazily looking over his shoulder before casually turning back, blowing out a cloud of smoke.

"And what are you Ladies gossiping about at this hour? I don't have the lights out rule for no reason you know – If sleeping helps ensure victory, then you must sleep!"

Scout was getting close to cracking; all he wanted was a quick jerk off before bed, look where that got him. "Come off this fake Sun Tzu bullshit already man. Alright I get your point, sleep, woo I'm all there, but there is a frigging spider in my room preventing me from getting there. I don't know about these morons but im waiting for Snipe's to take care of it"

Soldier took a look in Scouts room "When you're at war Private, you eat what you can get. I've eaten spiders like him for breakfast, usually alive and squirming. However if you want to be such a baby about it..." he pulled out his trusty Shovel.

Scout jumped in the way. "For fuck sake, it's on my favourite poster! That's why I'm getting Snipe's to get it"

Soldier, from what Scout could determine, looked from him to the spider and back again. "Negatory. You will eat that for breakfast, it will be all you have for breakfast and you will enjoy it. Dismissed"

Soldier walked off, continuing his patrol till he deemed that all his troupes were safe and asleep.

"Seriously, I ain't eating that..." Scout mumbled when Soldier was out of sight.

"I'm sure the enemy Heavy would love to share his Sandvich with you for breakfast" Spy chuckled.

"Yeh laugh it up wonder-warts" Scout spat back as Sniper tiredly turned the corner, clad only in boxer shorts, boots and his hat while holding his kukri in his hand. "Alright mate, let's get this done, I'm tired as fuck and want some bloody peaceful uninterrupted sleep for a change"

"Sure thing Chucklenuts" Scout added as Sniper walked in and approached the spider.

Engie and Spy crowded around the door and watched as the Marksman went to work on slowly but gently shooing the spider onto the kukri. Spy deciding it was best to keep his mouth shut going by how tired the Bushman looked.

Sniper almost had it completely on the blade, when a tired Russian pushed past the gathering at the door, earning himself some pretty nasty insults. Heavy grumpily stomped up to where Sniper was working and pushed him away before slamming one of his giant paws against the spider, resulting in a splat of blood and gunk to paint the wall, poster, and the even ceiling before turning to storm out while muttering to himself in his native tongue.

Sniper regained his balance, fixing his hat while grumbling about how it was uncalled for to kill the eight legged creature that was more afraid of humans then what humans were of it. Scout was dumbstruck, unable to speak, not only was his favourite poster ruined, he now had to clean the crap from the wall. He just hoped that said wall wasn't cracked; Soldier would give him hell for not taking proper care of luxuries such as a room to himself.

Engie and Spy were straightening themselves up as Heavy stormed out back to his room for what he hoped was now undisturbed sleep for the rest of the night. Spy cleared his throat, disturbed both having his cigarette ruined before he got to finished it as well as what was coming out of the sleeping giant's mouth.

Scout looked from the wall to Spy "Let me guess, that will be my head next time, yeh?"

Having decided the now ruined cigarette was a lost cause, Spy dusted some of the dust from his bare chest. "That would be...how do you say it...the sugar coated version of it"

Scout swallowed audibly; suddenly eating that spider didn't seem like such a bad idea.

**...The End...?**


End file.
